Silence

Have you ever heard the phrase “Actions speak louder than words.”? This may be true in many instances but sometimes I believe silence speakers louder than words. Silence is one of the greatest tools we never use in society today. Many people I respect the most do not have to say much at all. They say very little to gain my respect. Their leadership is exuded in their use of silence. In counseling, silence is one of the most powerful tools we use to convey a message. It sends a signal to the client that what they are thinking and processing is what’s most important right now. In a world where we are constantly stimulated with visual and auditory stimulation, silence is powerful. I have had to learn this the hard way over the last few months. I speak because I feel my voice needs to be heard and, in my mind, I have thought that speaking a lot will get my message across. In reality, speaking very little, thinking first, and taking the time to listen to others, is a valid communication style that carries more weight. It all just has to be done with intention and clarity.

The same can be said for marriage. I’ve grown to understand through trial and error that respect is earned by saying very little. It is also given by doing the simple things. I don’t need to say a lot to convey how much I love someone. I can easily say, “I love you” by listening to my spouse and listening to others with full intent. Truly hearing another person is all that we ask because we are all battling for time. Time to be heard by someone—anyone. The loudest ripples are those carried in by the waves of silence. I’ve been so bad about not only cutting others off but also cutting off Francesca on many occasions. When this happens, I am saying, “what I have to say is more important and your voice is not as valued as mine.” What kind of relationship will develop over time if I continue doing that? It is essentially an insecurity in myself because I have not been heard in the past, so I then project that onto my wife and onto others. The process of giving others silence starts by giving myself silence. Through prayer, meditation, and finding quiet spots in nature, I can then have enough mental clarity to give silence to others. We have enough mental clutter in our lives. We don’t need more given to us by those that matter most. Remember, it is not a competition. Take time for silence so that you can give that gift to others. I’m learning to give myself silence so that Francesca has my full attention when she speaks. She wants to be heard and I want to hear her and the only way I can do that is by listening. Silence is our greatest gift that, in this generation, we are taking for granted because as each day passes and each new building goes up, we grow further and further away from silence. Silence is an endangered species and soon, it may be extinct—unless we start making time for it.

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Photo Credit by Mary Fehr - @alabamaweddingphotographer (Instagram)